another post

here I am again. I thought it might be a bit much to expect myself to write every day. I am quite undisciplined. this is something that I know to be true about myself. Having said that, I have recently given up smoking. Please do not be impressed (I am sure you are not unless you are a smoker yourself). I have smoked since I was ooo, 14? Had my first one at Brownies age 8 at Scissett Primary School. Shocking. Anyhoo, someone recently told me that smoking is an avoidance thing. most people who smoke are avoiding something. Interesting that I should stop after a breakdown (I had one a couple of months ago). I didn't really mean to give up- just sort of happened. The avoidance comment made me wonder what if anything, I have been avoiding. Was I was avoiding facing up to the fact that in all honesty my life has really not turned out the way I thought it would. I think so. It has taken me nearly 15 years to realise this. talk about being slow on the up take. I suppose most of the time I am the sort of person who takes what life throws at them and deals with it- what I mean is that I am not that great a planner.
I have never ever had a plan. Not one that goes beyond thinking about what to eat for supper (and my kids will testify that this is not always planned). I don't really know why. I suppose it's a good and bad way to be. good because I have never wanted to or tried to control anything. I am 'laid- back' one could say. Bad becuase I have woken up recenlty and realised that I need a plan and I DO NOt HAVE THE FIRST CLUE how to form one.hmmm.
sorry about all the asides- all the stuff in brackets. Maybe this is life- the stuff that is happening in brackets. the asides. God is in the details as they say- or do they say the devil is in the detail? Oh, well, I say God is in the detail.
so, going back to avoidance and lack of discipline and lack of planning. blimey- seeing it like this, makes me think that it is a miracle that I have got anywhere in life at all! some people would and do say that I am 'successful' even. Job, house, kids, friends, family. I suppose I am really. however, it is also true that i am all the things I say I am. I am not determined (apart from when there is something getting between me and a bottle of wine) and I am not ambitious. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this- relax and look at the stuff that is in brackets in my life and enjoy.