too old?

Funny how my 13 year old boy was soooo shocked when I said I was writing a blog. The horror, confusion and bewilderment he registered were profound. Why? What is so odd about this? Why should I not? why are you so surprised? I don't think he had ever thought of the word 'blog' ever coming out of my mouth. I suppose if I am honest, it seems a bit rare to me too. I am more used to the pen and paper variety of communication. Honestly, I am only 38 years old but when I graduated in 1996 I had NEVER either been on t'internet OR sent an email. I hand-wrote all my essays apart from my final dissertation (which a magical, magical friend helped me with- a whizz at computers, working for an oil company - Aberdeen- designing oil rigs). So inept was I at anything computer-ish I managed to alphabeticalise all the paragraphs of my dissertation before priniting it out. Only 10000 words thankfully!SO I can now send an email and write a blog but DO NOT ask me what blue tooth is or what an IPad is capable of, because, frankly, i am not that interested. Anyway, I digress. I am just waking up to the fact that I am not that young anymore. I am trying to get used to this idea. Today for instance, as I quite often do, I looked at a man in the street thinking to myself "hmm, not bad" (or some other similarly lecherous acknowledgement of a nice jawline, good hairstyle, kind eyes etc) but I suddenly realised that this chap was very early twenties and very clearly looking at my beautiful daughter and NOT me. groan. so. I think myself a young person still. I had kids young- I enjoy seeing gigs- finding new music, clothes, keeping up with what is going on around me (even, yes, XFactor-popular culture is OK with me)... so you can imagine (if you are a brunette) how I felt when my wonderfully tactful and loving son come to me the other day (in the most earnest and sympathetic way) to ask me when I was going to do something about my moustache? Good grief, I may as well end it all now... or just start waxing.

another post

here I am again. I thought it might be a bit much to expect myself to write every day. I am quite undisciplined. this is something that I know to be true about myself. Having said that, I have recently given up smoking. Please do not be impressed (I am sure you are not unless you are a smoker yourself). I have smoked since I was ooo, 14? Had my first one at Brownies age 8 at Scissett Primary School. Shocking. Anyhoo, someone recently told me that smoking is an avoidance thing. most people who smoke are avoiding something. Interesting that I should stop after a breakdown (I had one a couple of months ago). I didn't really mean to give up- just sort of happened. The avoidance comment made me wonder what if anything, I have been avoiding. Was I was avoiding facing up to the fact that in all honesty my life has really not turned out the way I thought it would. I think so. It has taken me nearly 15 years to realise this. talk about being slow on the up take. I suppose most of the time I am the sort of person who takes what life throws at them and deals with it- what I mean is that I am not that great a planner.
I have never ever had a plan. Not one that goes beyond thinking about what to eat for supper (and my kids will testify that this is not always planned). I don't really know why. I suppose it's a good and bad way to be. good because I have never wanted to or tried to control anything. I am 'laid- back' one could say. Bad becuase I have woken up recenlty and realised that I need a plan and I DO NOt HAVE THE FIRST CLUE how to form one.hmmm.
sorry about all the asides- all the stuff in brackets. Maybe this is life- the stuff that is happening in brackets. the asides. God is in the details as they say- or do they say the devil is in the detail? Oh, well, I say God is in the detail.
so, going back to avoidance and lack of discipline and lack of planning. blimey- seeing it like this, makes me think that it is a miracle that I have got anywhere in life at all! some people would and do say that I am 'successful' even. Job, house, kids, friends, family. I suppose I am really. however, it is also true that i am all the things I say I am. I am not determined (apart from when there is something getting between me and a bottle of wine) and I am not ambitious. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this- relax and look at the stuff that is in brackets in my life and enjoy.

make up your mind?

well, its not some reference to Bucks Fizz's classic winner (although I do remember this vividly- the days when I thought we were invincible and would, of course, win the Eurovision Song contest every year- dreams that were cruelly laid to waste the very next year with the hideous attempts of Bardot). No.
I suppose it is because I sometimes think I do not know my own mind. Maybe blogging will help me to sort it out a bit. Maybe not. I have always written. I have had 2 very important and very long distance relationships in my life- both long before the days of t'internet. letters were written and received at a rate of knots. wonderful- waiting for the post to arrive then rushingsomewhere private to read and re read and read again....but I enjoyed writing letters even more than receving them. Rambling, thinking outloud, pouring thoughts, asides, things that had happened onto the page. Helps you to sift through stuff, appreciate it, understand it. Hence the blog. The modern version. Wierd that this potentially could be read by anyone (more likely no one). Does this make it less or more personal? Am i likely to be less or more candid? In for a penny..? We will see. In the meantime, It it nice to meet you (me) and I hope you (I) will enjoy the ramblings of an insecure mind which is trying to make sense of life as we know it!