another day

so thankfully no work today. lots of time to loll and eat mince pies. been tired with a headache all day. where does the creepng feeling of guilt come from? is it something chemical in the wine that reacts in your brain? I even called up my ex and said sorry- not sure what for. He has always had the capacity to make my feel guilty. Mind you- I think guilty feelings run in the family. why? I do not know. I am one of those people (and I know there are many of us) that, if someone is going through a bad time I will always think there is either something I could do to help or that in some way it is my responsiblity and/or fault. AGHHH-the blame thing. I notice it in the kids sometimes- someone always has to be blamed or at fault. at the moment one of the things I am paying most attention to in my life is not taking on the blame or the responsiblity if it is not mine. It's quite hard and I have to make a conscious effort not to. another thing I am working on at the momnent is getting the balance right between dreaming and reality. My reality hit me rather hard recently and I found it a bit too daunting to be able to deal with it. SO I decided as part of my recovery to allow myself to dream. this is not somethign I have allowed in the past- far too much of a realist. If the kids say "I would love to go to Japan" my response has been in the past "well, we haven't got the money so that will never happen". this is an honest answer, being upfront and straight with them so as to not mislead...BUT also could be taken as dashing their hopes, being negative etc. But which is the best approach- for me as well as the for the kid? I dont want to build my dreams to not see them realised. but there again I don't want to think that the here and now is all there is (in terms of jobs/house/relationships etc. I know that the here and now is not all there is in terms of eternity- but that's another blog for another day. bed calling).