another day

so thankfully no work today. lots of time to loll and eat mince pies. been tired with a headache all day. where does the creepng feeling of guilt come from? is it something chemical in the wine that reacts in your brain? I even called up my ex and said sorry- not sure what for. He has always had the capacity to make my feel guilty. Mind you- I think guilty feelings run in the family. why? I do not know. I am one of those people (and I know there are many of us) that, if someone is going through a bad time I will always think there is either something I could do to help or that in some way it is my responsiblity and/or fault. AGHHH-the blame thing. I notice it in the kids sometimes- someone always has to be blamed or at fault. at the moment one of the things I am paying most attention to in my life is not taking on the blame or the responsiblity if it is not mine. It's quite hard and I have to make a conscious effort not to. another thing I am working on at the momnent is getting the balance right between dreaming and reality. My reality hit me rather hard recently and I found it a bit too daunting to be able to deal with it. SO I decided as part of my recovery to allow myself to dream. this is not somethign I have allowed in the past- far too much of a realist. If the kids say "I would love to go to Japan" my response has been in the past "well, we haven't got the money so that will never happen". this is an honest answer, being upfront and straight with them so as to not mislead...BUT also could be taken as dashing their hopes, being negative etc. But which is the best approach- for me as well as the for the kid? I dont want to build my dreams to not see them realised. but there again I don't want to think that the here and now is all there is (in terms of jobs/house/relationships etc. I know that the here and now is not all there is in terms of eternity- but that's another blog for another day. bed calling).

late again

it's very late. i have done the usual and had too much to drink and can't sleep. been listening to JAnice Long- she plays some good stuff. And I have been thinking about friends. I am fortunate to have many amazing people in my life. In the words of Dermot O'Leary "in no particular order": Joan, Anna, Dawn, Mirka, Jan, Hilary, Fiona, Jane, Pauline, Heather, Anne, Louise, John,Sabina, Manda, Kathryn, Julie, Spohie, Nicola, Chas, Caroline, Vivienne, Julie, Annie (x2), Jacek, Chris, Zoe. These are people (very nearly all women-interesting) with great chutzpah, drive, energy, humour, integrity, resourcefulness, wisdom, intelligence,creativity, loyalty and they are utterly trustworthy too. how incredible. But when I was thinking about these people, I realised that I always, always forget to include in my mind-lists the most important person in my life without whom I would not even recognise the beauty in the people around me. It is going to sound corny but one of the things I have been thinking about whilst lying awake is Jesus is the one friend whom I ignore time and time again, put on the back burner, deny (half the time), argue with, take all the credit for- actually whom I basically treat abominably but who is still loyal to me and still believes in me and still keeps giving me all the things I need from a friend- love,loyalty (that word again), confidence, good advice, forgiveness. now do not switch off folks now I have mentioned the J word. It's just that I have found Jesus to be the way to God. God is a safer word- because I could at this point mean Allah, buddah (?), one of the many Hindu gods, Krishna or who ever else takes yer fancy. Maybe we could just rename Jesus and call him Elvis- would that be more palatable? Or maybe the name is not the problem for people... Anyway, to continue. God, of course, is spirit. the universal truth. the essence of love, truth, light, good. I do believe him to be the creator of this fine universe-but I also believe the crazy story that he became a man to show us all what he is really like and how he would like us to be(seeing as we just didn't get it before). And I deny him and act against him when I deny love- I act hatefully, I let myself down, I go against myself and the things I want for myself. drinking too much and being a gob shite are not wrong in themselves- I am not going to be hurled into the eternal firey pit because of them- but I realise that somewhere, somehow, a little chip has been made in my integrity and my wisdom and my resourcefulness- all the stuff I admire in others...Anyway. this is a bit of a confession. I suppose I am making my mind up about some things- I am making up my mind (continous tense here- life time journey etc) to follow good things and thankfully, along with the amazing people named above in my list (to which I will now add the name Jesus/Elvis) I can also rely on the person closest to me all the time in Spirit who i know will continue to open my eyes and inspire me.