no sleep again

I think I am in the middle of a moral dilemma. or am I? what exactly rules my decision making? It used to be simple. Read the bible and go to church and be told by the vicar how to live a 'good'life. "Be holy" he used to say. what the heck that actually means, I am not sure anymore. Been thinking alot about my heart (that sounds odd- not much point thinking about your heart- surely one 'feels' with the heart...) What does my heart tell me? Should I go with what makes me happy? what feels good? or are these feelings temporary and misguiding and will they lead me up the wrong path? what knowledge do I fall back on as guidance? there are some things that even your closest friend will not be able to tell you. are we back to Jesus? I suppose that would keep it a bit more simple.

another day

so thankfully no work today. lots of time to loll and eat mince pies. been tired with a headache all day. where does the creepng feeling of guilt come from? is it something chemical in the wine that reacts in your brain? I even called up my ex and said sorry- not sure what for. He has always had the capacity to make my feel guilty. Mind you- I think guilty feelings run in the family. why? I do not know. I am one of those people (and I know there are many of us) that, if someone is going through a bad time I will always think there is either something I could do to help or that in some way it is my responsiblity and/or fault. AGHHH-the blame thing. I notice it in the kids sometimes- someone always has to be blamed or at fault. at the moment one of the things I am paying most attention to in my life is not taking on the blame or the responsiblity if it is not mine. It's quite hard and I have to make a conscious effort not to. another thing I am working on at the momnent is getting the balance right between dreaming and reality. My reality hit me rather hard recently and I found it a bit too daunting to be able to deal with it. SO I decided as part of my recovery to allow myself to dream. this is not somethign I have allowed in the past- far too much of a realist. If the kids say "I would love to go to Japan" my response has been in the past "well, we haven't got the money so that will never happen". this is an honest answer, being upfront and straight with them so as to not mislead...BUT also could be taken as dashing their hopes, being negative etc. But which is the best approach- for me as well as the for the kid? I dont want to build my dreams to not see them realised. but there again I don't want to think that the here and now is all there is (in terms of jobs/house/relationships etc. I know that the here and now is not all there is in terms of eternity- but that's another blog for another day. bed calling).

late again

it's very late. i have done the usual and had too much to drink and can't sleep. been listening to JAnice Long- she plays some good stuff. And I have been thinking about friends. I am fortunate to have many amazing people in my life. In the words of Dermot O'Leary "in no particular order": Joan, Anna, Dawn, Mirka, Jan, Hilary, Fiona, Jane, Pauline, Heather, Anne, Louise, John,Sabina, Manda, Kathryn, Julie, Spohie, Nicola, Chas, Caroline, Vivienne, Julie, Annie (x2), Jacek, Chris, Zoe. These are people (very nearly all women-interesting) with great chutzpah, drive, energy, humour, integrity, resourcefulness, wisdom, intelligence,creativity, loyalty and they are utterly trustworthy too. how incredible. But when I was thinking about these people, I realised that I always, always forget to include in my mind-lists the most important person in my life without whom I would not even recognise the beauty in the people around me. It is going to sound corny but one of the things I have been thinking about whilst lying awake is Jesus is the one friend whom I ignore time and time again, put on the back burner, deny (half the time), argue with, take all the credit for- actually whom I basically treat abominably but who is still loyal to me and still believes in me and still keeps giving me all the things I need from a friend- love,loyalty (that word again), confidence, good advice, forgiveness. now do not switch off folks now I have mentioned the J word. It's just that I have found Jesus to be the way to God. God is a safer word- because I could at this point mean Allah, buddah (?), one of the many Hindu gods, Krishna or who ever else takes yer fancy. Maybe we could just rename Jesus and call him Elvis- would that be more palatable? Or maybe the name is not the problem for people... Anyway, to continue. God, of course, is spirit. the universal truth. the essence of love, truth, light, good. I do believe him to be the creator of this fine universe-but I also believe the crazy story that he became a man to show us all what he is really like and how he would like us to be(seeing as we just didn't get it before). And I deny him and act against him when I deny love- I act hatefully, I let myself down, I go against myself and the things I want for myself. drinking too much and being a gob shite are not wrong in themselves- I am not going to be hurled into the eternal firey pit because of them- but I realise that somewhere, somehow, a little chip has been made in my integrity and my wisdom and my resourcefulness- all the stuff I admire in others...Anyway. this is a bit of a confession. I suppose I am making my mind up about some things- I am making up my mind (continous tense here- life time journey etc) to follow good things and thankfully, along with the amazing people named above in my list (to which I will now add the name Jesus/Elvis) I can also rely on the person closest to me all the time in Spirit who i know will continue to open my eyes and inspire me.

too old?

Funny how my 13 year old boy was soooo shocked when I said I was writing a blog. The horror, confusion and bewilderment he registered were profound. Why? What is so odd about this? Why should I not? why are you so surprised? I don't think he had ever thought of the word 'blog' ever coming out of my mouth. I suppose if I am honest, it seems a bit rare to me too. I am more used to the pen and paper variety of communication. Honestly, I am only 38 years old but when I graduated in 1996 I had NEVER either been on t'internet OR sent an email. I hand-wrote all my essays apart from my final dissertation (which a magical, magical friend helped me with- a whizz at computers, working for an oil company - Aberdeen- designing oil rigs). So inept was I at anything computer-ish I managed to alphabeticalise all the paragraphs of my dissertation before priniting it out. Only 10000 words thankfully!SO I can now send an email and write a blog but DO NOT ask me what blue tooth is or what an IPad is capable of, because, frankly, i am not that interested. Anyway, I digress. I am just waking up to the fact that I am not that young anymore. I am trying to get used to this idea. Today for instance, as I quite often do, I looked at a man in the street thinking to myself "hmm, not bad" (or some other similarly lecherous acknowledgement of a nice jawline, good hairstyle, kind eyes etc) but I suddenly realised that this chap was very early twenties and very clearly looking at my beautiful daughter and NOT me. groan. so. I think myself a young person still. I had kids young- I enjoy seeing gigs- finding new music, clothes, keeping up with what is going on around me (even, yes, XFactor-popular culture is OK with me)... so you can imagine (if you are a brunette) how I felt when my wonderfully tactful and loving son come to me the other day (in the most earnest and sympathetic way) to ask me when I was going to do something about my moustache? Good grief, I may as well end it all now... or just start waxing.

another post

here I am again. I thought it might be a bit much to expect myself to write every day. I am quite undisciplined. this is something that I know to be true about myself. Having said that, I have recently given up smoking. Please do not be impressed (I am sure you are not unless you are a smoker yourself). I have smoked since I was ooo, 14? Had my first one at Brownies age 8 at Scissett Primary School. Shocking. Anyhoo, someone recently told me that smoking is an avoidance thing. most people who smoke are avoiding something. Interesting that I should stop after a breakdown (I had one a couple of months ago). I didn't really mean to give up- just sort of happened. The avoidance comment made me wonder what if anything, I have been avoiding. Was I was avoiding facing up to the fact that in all honesty my life has really not turned out the way I thought it would. I think so. It has taken me nearly 15 years to realise this. talk about being slow on the up take. I suppose most of the time I am the sort of person who takes what life throws at them and deals with it- what I mean is that I am not that great a planner.
I have never ever had a plan. Not one that goes beyond thinking about what to eat for supper (and my kids will testify that this is not always planned). I don't really know why. I suppose it's a good and bad way to be. good because I have never wanted to or tried to control anything. I am 'laid- back' one could say. Bad becuase I have woken up recenlty and realised that I need a plan and I DO NOt HAVE THE FIRST CLUE how to form one.hmmm.
sorry about all the asides- all the stuff in brackets. Maybe this is life- the stuff that is happening in brackets. the asides. God is in the details as they say- or do they say the devil is in the detail? Oh, well, I say God is in the detail.
so, going back to avoidance and lack of discipline and lack of planning. blimey- seeing it like this, makes me think that it is a miracle that I have got anywhere in life at all! some people would and do say that I am 'successful' even. Job, house, kids, friends, family. I suppose I am really. however, it is also true that i am all the things I say I am. I am not determined (apart from when there is something getting between me and a bottle of wine) and I am not ambitious. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this- relax and look at the stuff that is in brackets in my life and enjoy.

make up your mind?

well, its not some reference to Bucks Fizz's classic winner (although I do remember this vividly- the days when I thought we were invincible and would, of course, win the Eurovision Song contest every year- dreams that were cruelly laid to waste the very next year with the hideous attempts of Bardot). No.
I suppose it is because I sometimes think I do not know my own mind. Maybe blogging will help me to sort it out a bit. Maybe not. I have always written. I have had 2 very important and very long distance relationships in my life- both long before the days of t'internet. letters were written and received at a rate of knots. wonderful- waiting for the post to arrive then rushingsomewhere private to read and re read and read again....but I enjoyed writing letters even more than receving them. Rambling, thinking outloud, pouring thoughts, asides, things that had happened onto the page. Helps you to sift through stuff, appreciate it, understand it. Hence the blog. The modern version. Wierd that this potentially could be read by anyone (more likely no one). Does this make it less or more personal? Am i likely to be less or more candid? In for a penny..? We will see. In the meantime, It it nice to meet you (me) and I hope you (I) will enjoy the ramblings of an insecure mind which is trying to make sense of life as we know it!